Drink Like a Fish

Most of us have done or said things we regret while inebriated. Here are the top ten situations and objects to avoid in preventing future embarrassment.



1. Cell phones

While we all think we have the will power to abstain from drunk dialing, by beer number five if you’re not making actual calls, you’re texting everyone in your phonebook. Delete contacts you’re likely to harass and remember to write down the numbers so you can re-enter them the next day.

2. Your computer

You can prevent embarrassing phone calls but with instant messaging and e-mail, the damage can be done in a matter of seconds and is generally irreversible. So go home, grab a bottle of water and get into bed. Do not pass your desk, do not turn on your computer and do not pass out with embarrassing Pakistani, hardcore, one legged midget porn on your PC…makes it hard to explain later when your significant other finds you.

3. Bouncers

As awesome as you think you are while wasted, security can see right through you. Don’t try to flirt or snob your way into the club. The bouncers will either laugh and send you to the end of the line or deposit you drunk as in a dumpster.

4. Shopping

From time to time a midday lunch with a glass of wine can turn into a boozefest. Unless you were already in the market for a lime green suit with a pink silk tie or can actually afford an LCD TV, stay away from any place that sells anything beyond coffee.

5. Public transit

In no way am I condoning drunk driving but the 24-hour bus, also known as the “vomit comet” isn’t quite as accommodating as a taxi. A cab will pull over when you have to puke...you just need to figure out how to say " pleesh pull th' f*ck over" in Spanish.

6. Dancing

Sure you looked hot at the beginning of the night but now that you have trouble standing upright getting your groove on has become a bit of hazard. Not only are you risking your own wellbeing you’re putting other patrons in danger of the all to often 'Hack trick'...puking while spining and bounce to...your only sence of rhythm and beat.

7. Anyone you work with

If you run into someone from work at the bar you’re in, walk the other way. If they’ve spotted you, make friendly small talk but make it quick. You don’t want to end up ranting about your boss to the office suck-up or end up sucking face with the office hoer.

8. Dressing yourself

Ladies,Do not drink and dress. Choose your ensemble before you start the party. What seems appropriate after a few cocktails may be more suitable for a stip club than a dance club.

9. Cooking

Unless you’d like to contract E Coli and couple your hangover with food poisoning, stay away from the kitchen. A piece of toast or cold leftovers are a much better choice than anything that might be a fire hazard.

10. Sports of any kind

Extreme tobogganing, skateboarding and spelunking may all seem like natural talents you never knew you had but are now sure you possess but in the name of not breaking any limbs, do not attempt anything athletic.