Drink Like a Fish

Wow what a weekend…for those of you that were the recipient of an errant drunk dial I apologize, I’m sure at the time I felt the called need to be made, regardless of the hour at which it was done (hehe) ...So let’s do a rundown of some Tavern Topics shall we?


Hebdomadal Hooch:


The beer of choice for this weekend was Yuengling (pronounced Ying-Ling) it is America’s oldest brewery. The Lager and the Blank and Tan were my weapons of choice this time. The price of a ‘twelver’ is equivalent to Miller light or Coors light but has the taste and finish of a higher pedigree brew. I am not besmirching those other beers mind you; I grew up wandering the halls of San Diego State University with duffel bags filled with Coors Light and a thirst for adventure!


Ethanol Etiquette:


When out at a bar and you do not have a server to bring you drinks, here is what you can do... bartenders will serve women first. No doubt about it, even if it is a women bartender. Guy bartenders do it because, well we all know why, and female bartenders do it because for the most part they are not being ‘hit on’ during the ordering process…chick bartenders just want the money, they do not want to go home with a customer…so all they want is to pour drinks and make money. If you are a guy at a bar and have a female friend/girlfriend/wife whatever, bring her up with you and she can get the bartenders attention faster. If you are by yourself, find a group of ladies at the bar a position yourself behind the chick that is paying...*warning* when a group of women are out together this can mean several things:


1. Bachelorette Party sounds good but that is a no-go. The chicks came together and they will leave together. Even though you and “Jill” hit it off, get the number and try again another day.


2. it’s one of the girls birthday parties…see rule one.


3. Its “Girls Night Out”…this will be all flirt and no dessert. Girl’s night is for girls that are in current relationships that want to hang with other girls in current relationships for the sole purpose of complaining about how much their current relationship sucks. They also compare you to the other dudes…be careful there lads, this can go either way…for results see rule one.


Now that we have addressed some potential pitfalls, here is the solution…if you find that you are getting the “why is he standing behind us?” vibe…lean in and ask if you can order some drinks for your sister…”it’s her 21st birthday and I wanted to take her out and make sure she got home safe”…they will Immediately change their opinion of you and part like the red sea while making a AHhhhhHHHhh sound as you walk through. Order the drinks captain, your golden at this point.


Rotgut Reviews:


At the end of one of my nights this past weekend I got into and bottle of red wine…mind you I shouldn’t have done this…there was no need to further my decent into oblivion, but when in Rome…anyway the wine I choose was France Coppola "Diamond Collection" Gold Label a…”Coastal tropical fruit with light vanilla spice, pear and pineapple aromas. Creamy and toasty”…At least I think I drank that one, I know it was a Coppola; it was all a little hazing near the end.


Firewater Food Flirtation :


I ate old school pretzels with my drinks…I’ll have more next time.


The Booze Elf :


What is or who is the Booze Elf… The Booze Elf first and foremost is a rat bastard…he or she (this ‘Elf can change its gender apparently) leaves the refrigerator door open after you swore you shut it and stumbled off to bed. The Booze Elf has also been known to leave doors unlocked, lights on, render the aspirin bottle inoperable…or hiding the aspirin bottle outright, making you a late night snack while you are consumed with ‘drunk hunger’ and then leaving all the contents out on the counter for your wife to find in the next day kicking off an already tumultuous morning with a ‘intense discussion’ pared with your pounding headache…he sucks, ladies and gentleman, beware the Booze Elf. (Booze Elf; was created from the mind of David Vincent Paige, friend and fellow recipient of Booze Elf Phenomena)