Monday, September 28, 2009

Worst.Shots.Ever.



Hot Mexican Hooker: This shot is the worst ever created, and also the second most appropriately named.

1 oz. Jose Cuervo
½ oz. of Tabasco Sauce
One large splash of Tuna Fish Juice

Fill shot with Cuervo and tabasco then fill to the brim with tuna fish juice. Not for the faint of heart. You may want to always keep a can of tuna in your pocket solely to make this shot for your friends.







New Jersey Turnpike: This shot must occur in a bar; preferably at the end of the night at the scummiest one you find.

One Bar Mat
One Bar Rag

Take the bar mat and squeeze into a shot glass. Top with what you can squeeze out of the bar rag. Then go get a hepititus shot. Note, if you sprinkle Parmasean Cheese on this shot, it turns into a whole other shot entitled "Dirty Panties" which is equally gross.











Motor Oil: It's the type of drink that's sure to make you wonder what you just drank and why you did it. It's got a taste of everything, but nothing that should ever be mixed together. Definitely one for your worst enemy.

1 oz. Jagermeisteer Herbal Liqueur
½ oz. Peppermint Schnapps
½ oz. Goldschlager Cinnamon Schnapps
½ oz Malibu Coconut Rum











Flatliner: Beware of ANYTHING with tabasco sauce. Put some hair on your best friends' chests with this one. They'll be burning for hours while you laugh in the corner.

¾ oz. Jigger Sambuca
¾ oz. shot Gold Tequila
3 dashes of Tabasco sauce









Liquid Steak: If you are a meat lover, then this one is for you. It's as close to a dead animal in a shot as you will ever get.

1½ oz. Barcardi 151
Worcestershire Sauce













Four Horsemen: It's definitely a classic, and one to make sure you get pictures of. The ingredients say it all; one shot will have your worst enemy crying for their mom!

¾ oz. Jose Cuervo Gold Tequila
¾ oz. Jagermeister Herbal Liqueur
¾ oz. Rumple Minze Peppermint Liqueur
¾ oz. Bacardi 151 Rum











Gorilla’s Puke: If the name doesn't give it away, I don't know what will. Also known as 152, this drink will surely have you puking at the end of the night.

¾ oz. Bacardi 151
¾ oz. Wild Turkey Bourbon Whiskey










Nasty B*tch::Yes, she's nasty, and so is this drink. Turn a 21st birthday into a really good time with this one.

1½ oz. Tequila
½ oz. Cointreau® Orange Liqueur

Celebrity Booze


1. Caduceus Cellars. Maynard James Keenan, the frontman for Tool and A Perfect Circle, has been making wine since 2004, and has a blog on Wine Spectator’s website. He’s quite the connoisseur, raining disdain on fellow rocker-cum–wine dude Vince Neil (who also makes tequila, see number 6 below): “I would avoid at all costs anything resembling Vince Neil’s wine…,” he told the A.V. Club. “You pour it, and you’re like, ‘Oh, my fucking God—are there pickles in here?’”

2. Trump Vodka. The Donald’s offering promises to be worthy of the Trump name by being “the world’s finest super premium vodka.” Not enough hyperbole? It’s also “quintuple-distilled” and “the epitome of vodka that will demand the same respect and inspire the same awe as the international legacy and brand of Donald Trump himself.” Available in original, citron, raspberry, orange, and grape.

3. Mansinthe. In 2007, Marilyn Manson partnered with the Swiss distillery Matter-Luginbühl AG and absinthe.de founder Markus Lion to launch his own absinthe. The musician has frequently boasted about binging on the liquor, telling MTV that he was “trying to get to that place where you think and behave like a child or a lunatic.” Despite some poor reviews, Mansinthe won a gold medal at the 2008 San Francisco World Spirits Competition, beating out boutique brands such as St. George Spirits.

4. Danny DeVito’s Premium Limoncello. After showing up for a segment on The View seemingly drunk, the enterprising Mr. DeVito came out with his own brand of limoncello. It’s made with organic lemons from Sorrento, Italy, with no artificial colors or flavors. When we sampled it, we found it more sugary than lemony, kind of like commercial lemon curd with booze.

5. Old Whiskey River Bourbon. Willie Nelson’s small-batch, six-year bourbon made in Kentucky comes with a red bandanna–print seal and a signature guitar pick on the bottle. Chowhounds give it lukewarm reviews: joypirate noted that it was “not the best, but very satisfying ... I was skeptical of a ‘celebrity’ bourbon though perhaps Willie transcends such things.” TNbourbon wasn’t impressed: “It’s a year younger than Evan Williams Black Label … costs about three times as much, and is far inferior.”

6. Tres Rios Tequila Silver. This 100 percent agave tequila is labeled “A Vince Neil Selection,” and even sports a breezy photo of the Mötley Crüe frontman enjoying a margarita in his cowboy hat and unbuttoned white shirt (printed on a card tied to the bottle’s neck). CHOW tasters felt it was an acceptable mixer, but called out its vague “plastic bottle” taste and aroma.

7. Little Jonathan Winery. Rapper Lil Jon became winemaker Little Jonathan earlier this year, launching a Monterey Merlot, Central Coast Chardonnay, and Paso Robles Cabernet Sauvignon. The King of Crunk, whose entrée to the liquid refreshment world was Crunk!!! Energy Drink, told the Associated Press that his wine “is not no ghetto Boone’s Farm.”

8. Crstal Head Vodka.Dan Aykroyd sells his spirit far better than I could, so I’ll leave it to him for the fine details.So let’s move on to the vodka itself. Crystal Head is familiar-tasting, 80 proof, and hardly earth-shattering in its composition, but overall very good. There’s an immediate vanilla punch that reminded me of the recently-reviewed 2 Rooz vodka. A bit chalky on the palate, it goes down extremely smoothly, with some sweetness and candy-like flavors on the tongue that immediately make one think of both dessert and ghosts. The finish is clean and crisp. There’s no medicinal flavor here at all. Really impressive.

9. Savanna Samson Sogno Due. Savanna Samson is a porn star. In addition to sex, she sells wine. Her first, an Italian red made by Roberto Cipresso from a blend of Cesanese, Sangiovese, and Montepulciano called Sogno Uno, caused quite a stir when Robert Parker rated it 90 to 91 (outstanding). When CHOW tasted Sogno Due, her white Italian Falanghina (a very old Roman varietal), we were surprised by how summery and light it was. We might even buy it if it were a little cheaper.


10. Dr. Dre Cognac. Straight out of Compton comes “Dr. Dre’s super premium” Cognac, scheduled to be released later this year. There’s also a sparkling vodka in the works, which might mix nicely with Lil Jon’s Crunk!!! Energy Drink for a gangsta cocktail.

Monday, September 14, 2009

Red Eye Review 01


Hey there Ne’er-do-wells, welcome to a Red-Eye Review of Tennent’s Lager and Jeremiah Weed sweet tea.

First up is Jeremiah Weed, this little gem comes in several different flavors: country peach, sweet tea vodka with bourbon whiskey and half & half (a combination of sweet tea vodka and lemonade). I tried the peach and then the sweet tea lemonade…wow, to both. I’m not really a vodka fan, so I almost never drink it strait…if I can avoid it. Surprisingly, the alcohol content is so well hidden in each sip that inebriation sneaks up like a well trained ninja…a Vodka Ninja rather, and intoxication is doled out with uncanny precision…in other words a cool buzz is gained rather quickly. My favorite of the two so far is the half & half and it is a southern must to drink it out of a frosty mason jar with a slice of lemon. I know summer has come and gone, so I’m anxious to try the bourbon infused vodka, this sounds like it could gently warm your cockles as you take a brisk hay ride down to drunk town…make sure to beware the ninjas tho’.

My other treat this weekend was the much touted Tennet’s Lager, this lager is a true blue collar beer enjoyed throughout Scotland and is a favorite among footy fans (Go Rangers!!!). Tennent’s has about a 30 second head after a full pour with a hint of apricot and natural hops brought home with a refreshing crisp finish. If you really want to separate yourself from the heard, order a “Lager Tops”. This is a Tennent’s with a splash of lemonade on top or at the bottom of the glass; this gives it a sweeter finish and scores some style points from the judges.

Friday, September 11, 2009

Tavern Topics 04


Greetings Ne'er-Do-Wells! just to refresh your drink...a Ne’er-Do-Well has been affectionately described as a bum, fainéant, good-for-nothing, idler, loafer, no-good, or slugabed. How about using Ne’er-Do-Well in a sentence?
“That f*cking Ne’er-Do-Well drank all the booze and pissed in the kitchen sink…AGAIN!”
Not a stunning adjective to be stuck with for the rest of your life…Until now. I believe there is a Ne’er-Do-Well in all of us, a harmless little pixie made up of mirth, mischief and monkey business. Let it be known that from this day forth that all followers of this blog will now be referred to as…wait for it…a, Ne’er-Do-Well!

Now, on to Tavern Topics 04!

Hebdomadal Hooch:
Can you feel it, the subtle chill in the air? What does the sound of houses roaring as football season is finally upon us, you reaching for a long sleeve shirt, and falling leaves have in common?...BEER! Yes that’s right; as much as I love my lagers and summertime beers…I love a good IPA, Stout and Ale. My number one pick for a fall beer is Harvest Moon Pumpkin Ale. It's got a good malt aroma and a nice subtle flavor. I was able to pull out notes of caramel, roasted malts, some florals, alcohol, brown sugar, clove, nutmeg, spices and a vegetable smell I presumed to be pumpkin. The initial flavor is lightly sweet. The pumpkin is really done well (meaning it's subtle) and there's enough other things going on that you don't over focus on it - though the other notes are not nearly as discernible in the taste as they were in the smell. I was also surprised to pick up a touch of alcohol in the taste, given its relatively average gravity.

Ethanol Etiquette:
When buying rounds, it is expected that all the men will drink whatever liquor is bought for that round, but women should be consulted as to whether or not they would like to order something else.

Rotgut Reviews:
For those of you that follow my other blog, Slim Chance will find this funny, I decided to get a bottle of Fat Bastard wine…it has a rhino sitting on the top of the label…crushing it subtlety…awesome. I went with the Shiraz/Syrah; it has aromas of blackberries, licorice and vanilla and the tannins are ripe and delicate…try it, you’ll like it.

Firewater Food flirtation:
When we make Chicken Alfredo at our house we add a little white wine into the sauce, just at the end. This adds a certain “zing” to the sauce and really compliments the chickens natural flavor…I won’t tell you what else we put in the recipe, that’s a family secret passed down to me by my aunt who’s locked in the…um, yeah…it’s a family secret.

Booze Elf:
Have i seen him? Yes. Have you seen him? let me know, I love a good 'close encounter of the drunk kind' story :0)

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

You know your a drunk when...


Your blood could run a lawn mower.

You’ve heckled A.A. meetings.

You can’t say the word sober without making air quotes.

You feel incredibly sexy despite the vomit stain down the front of your shirt.

Gin never gives you a hangover, but martini olives absolutely murder you.

You figure the cab companies are making a fortune off the cell phones, lighters and all that other shit that falls out of your pockets.

You know to put extra ice in your cocktail when you take a hot shower.

Contrary to popular opinion, you don’t drink all the time. You just enjoy having a few civilized night caps, day caps, afternoon caps and morning caps.

After eight drinks your “hugs” bear an uncanny resemblance to UFC take-downs.

You fell into a whiskey vat and bravely fought off your rescuers for three hours.

The first thing you think when you can’t find your wallet is, “Great, now how am I going to buy beer?”

You failed CPR class because your breath set the dummy on fire.

You’re having a little trouble reading this because the bar’s lighting sucks and you’re kinda loaded.

You called the cops on yourself but refused to testify because you “didn’t want to get involved."

Monday, July 27, 2009

Straight to Gay in 3.5 drinks?


Ah yes…what is it about alcohol that after consuming copious amounts; a straight man will proceeded to shamelessly kiss, grope, sing with, fondle and sometimes spoon with another man?

Sometimes referred to as a Three Beer Queer...straight men will spontaneously start singing songs while their arms are wrapped around each other’s shoulders…swaying to and fro to music poorly sung and out of tune in every pub all over the world. It seems like the drunker a man gets…the more he is inclined to commit ‘gay’ acts…as an attempt to prove how ‘NOT gay’ they are’. Often times a drunk guy will reach for or make contact with another man’s ‘cash and prizes’…after this is done the offending drunk will call the recipient of this homosexual drive by a “Fag!”

Another sign of alcoholic affection is typically at a party or bar. Two men, whose livers are swimming at this point, are usually sitting way to close to one another and saying things like “Sherioushly…I f*cking love you man…ya know, not like that or anything, but…like, I love you…fag”. This scenario can and often takes place over the phone and a message pertaining to this situation is usually the stuff of legend. The ending to this little lingual love fest is usually by the wife or girlfriend coming over after staring at you and saying to herself “Why F*ck does he not tell me things like that?”

All in all the, Homoalcoholis, is nothing more than an inebriated male that finds it near impossible to carry on a conversion with a woman about her problems, her friend’s problems, current events, the weather or anything else for that matter…so he decides to take the road of least resistance or the road of least soberness in this case, and kiss another dude while grabbing his ass and taking several very blurry pictures… Sad but true.

(Let it be known that I am not nor have I ever been for the mistreatment or persecution of a person that is homosexual or lives an alternative lifestyle. This is merely an observation, not meant to offend.)

Monday, June 8, 2009

Top Five Drinking Games















5."Flip Cup"

Two teams stand on opposite sides of a table, facing one another. As there are equal players on each side, the players directly facing each other are opponents. In front of each teammate is a Solo cup filled with a standard amount of beer. Generally, the first line inside a Solo cup is used as a marker.

At the start of the race, the first member of each team drinks his or her beverage. When finished, the cup is placed face up at the edge of the table with about one third of the cup overlapping the edge, and the player who drank it attempts to flip the cup until it rests face down on the table. If he or she is not successful on the first try, the cup must be reset and re-flipped. Only after the first teammate is done flipping the cup successfully, can the next person proceed. Whichever team finishes drinking and flipping all its cups first is the winner.


4."Caps"
Ok, this is a fairly strait forward drinking game. All you need is massive amounts of beer and can be played in a group or single. Step one, turn you TV on. Step two, find a channel that is playing re-runs of the TV show “Cops”…Dude, this friggin show is playing 24 hours a day somewhere so it shouldn’t be too hard to find. Once you are watching the show you’re ready to begin:

If the perpetrator or witness to a crime has a mullet: take a drink
If the cop has a mullet: Finish your beer
If it is a chick cop with a mullet: Open a new beer and pound


*If this is a group activity, you can play cop during this game, for instance:
Everyone starts the game as an “Officer”, but if you notice that someone is not drinking when they are supposed to and you catch them in the act, you get a “Bust” or an” Arrest”. The first bust makes you a “Detective” and you can make any Officer drink whenever you choose. Three busts during the course of the game you are now a “Chief”. As a Chief you can have anyone that is not a chief drink whenever you want during the course of the game. Now, if you catch a fellow Chief breaking the drinking law, then the guilty chief is demoted all the way back to “officer” and the arresting officer or detective moves up to chief. If a chief busts another chief then they are promoted to “Commissioner” (There can only be one Commissioner at a time) and only a chief can bust a commissioner. If you are busted three times during the game, then you are fired from the police force and are demoted to “Informant” and must work your way back up. The informant is in charge of supplying everyone else with beer as needed or demanded. The Informant is the bottom of the barrel and even officers can make them drink whenever they want. However, an informant can bust anyone and steel their position. So be careful how you treat your informants!

3."Liar's Dice"
You need a minimum of two players. For each player, you need a dice cup and five dice.
To start the game, players shake their cups with the dice in them, and slam them on the table with the openings downward, so no one can see how the dice fell.
Players can peek at their own dice, but they can't see anybody else's.
After you peek at your dice, based on what you found you can make a call about how many of any number of dice there are on the table. For example, you can say "three 2s," meaning you think that there are three dice on the table that rolled a 2. Your guess includes all the dice belonging to all the players, not just your own dice ... so you're making a guess that includes dice you can't see!
Players can "up the ante" by changing their calls. The calls must be in order to the player on the left. If somebody else makes a higher call than you, you can raise yours, but only if the player that raises it is on the left.
Eventually somebody will make an impossible call (such as saying there are six 6s when there are only eight dice on the table and the other player can see none of his are 6), and somebody will say the caller is a liar. At that point, the dice are revealed.
The highest correct call wins. For example, "four 3s" is worth more than "three 3s," but only if there really are four 3s!
If you call somebody a liar and they weren't wrong, you lose.
Any player who makes a call that is shown to be wrong loses. For example, if you call "five 6s" and there aren't at least five dice that show 6 on the table, you've lost.
If nobody says "You're a liar!" then the highest call wins and the dice don't have to be shown. The losing player has to drink a shot of booze or remove an article of clothing. Note: if you are not attractive enough to strip, then keep drinking until that is no longer a problem to you or anyone else.


2."Spoons"
Take one denomination of card from the deck for each player. Eg. If there are 5 players, take the Aces, Kings, Queens, Jacks, and 10's from the deck. If there are 12 players, use the whole deck.

Get a spoon for every player except one. Eg. if there are 6 players, get 5 spoons. Place the spoons on the table.

Deal out all of the cards. Everyone picks up their cards, and then the dealer starts calling "Pass!". When s/he says pass, each player must take one card from their hand and pass it to the left. The dealer can also say "Pass right" or whatever.

It works best if the dealer calls this every 3-4 seconds, so no one really has a chance to relax with their cards. This continues until someone gets four-of-a-kind, and then that player grabs a spoon and puts down their cards. All the other players then have to grab for a spoon, the loser being the one left out. If two players grab a spoon and neither lets go, the one holding the large end wins.

Loser must drink to pre-defined rules. Suggested rules are drinking for the number of seconds as the denomination of the winning 4-of-a-kind, or else polishing off their whole drink.

1." Beer Pong"!!!!
Beer Pong without paddles (in some regions called Beirut) is a drinking game in which players throw a ping-pong ball across a table with the intent of landing the ball in one of 10 or 6 cups of beer on the other end. The game typically consists of two two-player teams, one on each side of a table, and a number of cups set up on each side set up in triangle formation.[1] There are no official rules, so rules may vary widely, though usually there are six or ten plastic cups arranged in a triangle on each side. The number of players on a team can vary as well, from one to three or more.

When a ball lands in a cup, the defending team must consume all of the beer inside that cup. The cup isn't generally completely filled. It is also common to have a glass of water with the purpose of cleaning the ball between throws. An August 2008 Time article stated that cups were 1/4 to 1/3 full.[2] The game is won by eliminating all the other team's cups before all of one's own cups are eliminated. The losing team must then consume all the beer remaining in the winning team's cups.[1] The order of play varies – both players on one team shoot followed by both players on the other team, or players on opposite teams can alternate back and forth.