Bottle of the Sexes

Wow...what a gender-loaded topic with many varying points. The obvious is that guys tend to weigh more than women, so they typically can drink more before becoming intoxicated. However, most men drink beer which is has a far less alcohol content by volume than that of a women's choice of mix drinks or cosmos. Let us look at alcoholic content by volume of a basic Cosmopolitan: Vodka (which ranges from 40% - 60%) Cointreau which is 40%...Beer on the other hand, normally has 4%-6% alcohol. So are we talking drinking more in terms of number of drinks or alcohol content? Men usually drink more BEER than women. When was the last time you saw a hetro-sexual male drinking an Appletini?...without getting "Sh*t on" by his friends?

Men were raised to enjoy beer. The tradition where the father shares a beer with his son for the first time is a rite of passage...age 12 is perfectly acceptable...right dad? I can’t imagine many mothers that shared a margarita with their daughters before cheerleading practice! Beer can be considered a predominately male choice in beverages then, right?

Not so fast! Beer sales are becoming more popular with women. This is evident by all of the main-stream brewing companies coming out with "lighter" products that reduce the carbohydrate content in beers, which ultimately lessens the calories. However, this also lessens the alcohol by volume as well. So, here we go again. . . . Who drinks more? Younger women, between the ages of 21 and 30 seem to be drinking more beer as to the women in the other age groups. Why? It is a cost-effective way to drink "more" and not get too intoxicated? Or are their lifestyles that much different compared to the older generation? Are women waiting longer to start families just to prolong having more time for fun and frivolities?

Let’s be honest...a guy's social event usually involves drinking...In fact, ANY activity that men do socially will involve drinking as a sport in lieu of the activity at hand. A quiet day of fishing? Don't forget the cooler of beer! Day on the golf course? Where the hell’s the beverage caddie with my beer? I know I am being kind of stereotypical, but so is this topic. All I am saying is, when was the last time you saw a bunch of ladies drinking beers in their yoga class? So, the type of activities that men and women do definitely has an effect on how much they drink. Men tend to do outdoor activities that involve alcohol, women do to but, when women go camping, their backpacks are filled with water...not with alcohol.

After all of this, I still don't have a definitive answer. But, if I had to choose one, then yes, in today's times, men still drink more often than women. I'm just glad prohibition is over! I would like to go enjoy a nice beer with dinner now.

Most of us have done or said things we regret while inebriated. Here are the top ten situations and objects to avoid in preventing future embarrassment.



1. Cell phones

While we all think we have the will power to abstain from drunk dialing, by beer number five if you’re not making actual calls, you’re texting everyone in your phonebook. Delete contacts you’re likely to harass and remember to write down the numbers so you can re-enter them the next day.

2. Your computer

You can prevent embarrassing phone calls but with instant messaging and e-mail, the damage can be done in a matter of seconds and is generally irreversible. So go home, grab a bottle of water and get into bed. Do not pass your desk, do not turn on your computer and do not pass out with embarrassing Pakistani, hardcore, one legged midget porn on your PC…makes it hard to explain later when your significant other finds you.

3. Bouncers

As awesome as you think you are while wasted, security can see right through you. Don’t try to flirt or snob your way into the club. The bouncers will either laugh and send you to the end of the line or deposit you drunk as in a dumpster.

4. Shopping

From time to time a midday lunch with a glass of wine can turn into a boozefest. Unless you were already in the market for a lime green suit with a pink silk tie or can actually afford an LCD TV, stay away from any place that sells anything beyond coffee.

5. Public transit

In no way am I condoning drunk driving but the 24-hour bus, also known as the “vomit comet” isn’t quite as accommodating as a taxi. A cab will pull over when you have to puke...you just need to figure out how to say " pleesh pull th' f*ck over" in Spanish.

6. Dancing

Sure you looked hot at the beginning of the night but now that you have trouble standing upright getting your groove on has become a bit of hazard. Not only are you risking your own wellbeing you’re putting other patrons in danger of the all to often 'Hack trick'...puking while spining and bounce to...your only sence of rhythm and beat.

7. Anyone you work with

If you run into someone from work at the bar you’re in, walk the other way. If they’ve spotted you, make friendly small talk but make it quick. You don’t want to end up ranting about your boss to the office suck-up or end up sucking face with the office hoer.

8. Dressing yourself

Ladies,Do not drink and dress. Choose your ensemble before you start the party. What seems appropriate after a few cocktails may be more suitable for a stip club than a dance club.

9. Cooking

Unless you’d like to contract E Coli and couple your hangover with food poisoning, stay away from the kitchen. A piece of toast or cold leftovers are a much better choice than anything that might be a fire hazard.

10. Sports of any kind

Extreme tobogganing, skateboarding and spelunking may all seem like natural talents you never knew you had but are now sure you possess but in the name of not breaking any limbs, do not attempt anything athletic.

Your cocktail says something about you.

For instance, ordering a martini says you appreciate the finer things in life, ordering a gin and tonic says you appreciate the simple things in life, and ordering a Long Island Ice T says you don't care where your pants end up. But mixed drinks go deeper than that, much deeper. When you mosey up to the bar and place your order, you open a window into your very soul, revealing not only who you are, but also who you long to be. So know your cocktails and order with care, or you might send the wrong message.



Bellini

You have a tab at Olive Garden.



Bloody Mary

They're good if you only drink these for hangovers…If you are drinking them at work instead of coffee…might be a problem there, Alci Holicstien.



Cosmopolitan

You should’t start drinking these until after your first divorce, and don't start really enjoying them until after your second...And yes all bets are off if you are watching re-runs of Sex and the City.



Fuzzy Navel

You’re comfortable with who you are, to bad you’re the only one.



Gimlet

No, this not a Character in Harry Potter...although that dude is now old enough to order one and your to old to know who Harry Potter is.


Green Tea Martini

You believe in earth conscious living, except for that time you drank to many backed over a baby seal with your SUV.



Harvey Wallbanger

You're an old school drinker with...Oh who are you kidding? you just like to find a female bartender and order this drink so you can say 'wallbanger' without a slap or verbal castration.


Jägerbomb

collage was the best six years of your life.



Long Island Iced Tea

No matter how old you are, at some level, you’re still afraid your parents are going to catch you drinking.



Mai Tai

You’re attracted to exotic people and places, but not enough to get a passport.



Manhattan

You’re witty, sophisticated, and not at all jealous that the assholes pounding down Jell-O shots at the other end of the bar are having all the fun.



Margarita

All of your relationships have either begun or ended at a wet t-shirt contest.



Orgasm

You consider yourself too classy to order a Blow Job, but not classy enough to order a Sex on the Beach.



Piña Colada

You’re 50% lady, 50% tramp, and 100% drunk.



Raging Bull

You’re indestructible, and you’re going to prove it as soon as you stop the bleeding...person+velocity+brickwall=best facebook photo ever.


Tequila Slammer

You’re down-to-earth. Usually face-down.


Zombie

No matter what people say, you’re getting along just fine without long-term memory.¸

“What’d you get up to last night?”
“Got wicked drunk.”
“Yeah? Where’d you go?”
“I didn’t go anywhere. I drank at home.”
“You had a party and didn’t invite me? Who showed up?”
“No one. I got drunk by myself.”
“No shit? What’s wrong, man? You wanna talk about it?”

I do wanna talk about it. Not about what my friend wrongly assumed was the dark motivation that would drive me to drink alone, but the very act of drinking alone.

Somewhere along the line people got the idea that solitary boozing is a sure sign that the drinker is about to slip over the edge into something dark and sinister, whether it be suicide, skid row or a wannbe writer for a drinking blog.

And on the surface, it makes sense. Alcohol is the original social lubricant, after all, it makes any gathering loose and friendly, it has the unique and beatific ability to spin laughter and camaraderie from the dry straw that is the strained silence of the sober. Strangers become friends, friends become cliques and cliques become vast drinking scenes. It is the golden bond that connects you with most of your friends and acquaintances. It sure as hell isn’t a collective interest in stamp collecting that holds the gang together.

Drinking alone, on the other hand, is a much more pure and forthright form of imbibing, and I say that because it focuses entirely on the simple act of putting alcohol into your bloodstream. It tosses aside all the half-hearted pretensions about merely using alcohol as a social tool. It gets down to what drinking is all about: getting loaded, and by doing that, getting down to the inner you. The inner joy, the inner madness, the subconscious you, the real you.

Now, there are those who abhor the very idea of spending a moment with themselves. Put them in a quiet room for five minutes and they’re picking up the phone or turning on the TV. “Deep down in his private heart, no man respects himself much,” Mark Twain was fond of saying, and he was dead right. Why should those people want to hang with their inner selves? That entity is, for all intents and purposes, a stranger, and worse, a stranger who knows all their deepest, darkest, most terrible secrets.

Which, ironically enough, is exactly why you have to hang with him, because sooner or later that bastard will turn on you. The longer you keep him locked up by himself, the weirder he’s going to get, and he will eventually manifest himself as a nervous breakdown or very self-destructive behavior.

That’s where your old pal booze comes into play. You already knew the sauce is the supreme moderator, a perfectly charming go-between when dealing with friends and strangers, but did you also know it is as equally adept at opening up internal lines of communication? Whiskey is the key that sets the monkey free, goes the old saw, and that monkey is your Id, your subconscious mind, the inner you. Instead of letting that monkey out in public, where he tends to go berserk (or so they tell you the next morning), set him loose in a calm room. A quiet place bare of predators and prey. Get to know him. You might be surprised. You might even start liking the little bastard.

I just came across Luchador wine online and when I got home and read this story online it made me wish I had a bottle.

"Here's the real story about the origin of Luchador. My longest term employee ( a warehouse manager who has worked for me for ten years, since he was twenty-one), came into my office and said, "My friends and I usually drink beer whenever we watch the Lakers, but now we're drinking wine. Why don't you make a wine for us?" How do you want it? "Big." How much do you want to pay? "About $15.00 bucks." So I made it. Even though it doesn't say it on the label, Luchador is a classic, regional Barossa Shiraz. It's the baby brother of Chris Ringland CR.

For those of you who don't know, a Luchador (think matador, one who fights bulls) is a wrestler in Mexico. I'm not sure what inspired me to put a Luchador on a Barossa Valley Australian Shiraz label, but I did. I love it. The label is designed by a very cool team of designers called Morning Breath, who are well known for their CD design for artists like Stone Roses, Eminem, and Jay-Z. As it says on the label, "This wine will body-slam your tongue."

A Mexican friend of mine took a bottle to a family party of about 200 in East Los Angeles and someone commented, "I've never seen a wine with Hispanic appeal before." I love it when stuff like this happens. Good is good and appeals all over, just like Bitch and the Roogle."

Whether you believe this story or not, the labels themselves are reason enough to buy this wine. Designed by Morning Breath, Luchador has an eye-catching off set print quality that is reminiscent of Hatch Show Print posters and the illustration work of Love and Rockets comic books. There are four unique labels that make this shiraz feel more like a collectors item than an everyday table wine. To top it off, the case itself is an exciting collage of vintage fighting posters and graphic type.

Tavern Topics 03

Ne’er-Do-Wells here is your weekly roundup of Tavern Topics…

Hebdomadal Hooch:
I am so stoked on a couple of beers that I tried over the weekend. I got a case of Full Sail Brewing Company’s, Session Lager . This is an awesome lager brewed with both American and European hops so it has an old world import taste. This brew is not only tasty, but it comes in kick ass ‘stubby’ 11oz bottles that harkens back to the pre-probation era. The other little gem I found this weekend was Magic Hat Brewing Company, I bought their spring variety pack. The beer I fell in love with out of that pack was the Odd Notion Spring Pilsner, Dude this is a super trippy mix of organic agave and get this…blue poppy seeds! One of my favorite brews to date!

Ethanol Etiquette:
What is a Party Foul? Not to be confused with a Party Fowl, which is a bird that can hold its liquor exceptionally well for an animal; usually a duck or pheasant. A Party Foul rather, is a situation that usually consists of dropping and or breaking something. Beer bottles, red wine on white carpet, and puking on someone’s shoes are prime examples. When this happens the appropriate thing to do is point and yell out at the top of your lungs “PARTY FOUL, YO!” Note: the “Yo” suffix is purely optional…but is a nice touch if delivered in a non-douche bag way…Further Note: “Yo” is no longer able to be uttered in a non-douche bag way, Yo. There are three participants involved in a Party Foul. The Defendant, You the perpetrator of said foul. Number one plea uttered by the defendant is “My bad,Yo”. The second person(s) that are involved in a Party Foul is the Plaintiff , the person that was directly or indirectly the recipient of a Party Foul. Beer spilled on you, is a direct violation. Beer spilled on your Jon Favreau autographed Iron Man poster is an indirect violation, to which the Plaintiff usually shouts “Dude!” as their preferred accusatory reprimand. Finally we have you, the Jury. The Jurist’s sole job is not to offer sympathy to the defendant, but rather be the first to bring to light the defendant’s misfortune and drunkenly record the hilarity on your iphone…immediately posting this blurry, shaky video on YouTube is definitely warranted if the foul is considered epic enough.

Rotgut Reviews:
I had several glasses of single malt, Arran Scotch Whisky . I choose to drink it neat and out of a shot glass at room temperature. It should be noted that there is no “right” or “wrong” way to drink Scotch whisky – it is very much down to a question of personal taste. However, let me offer a few basic suggestions. Many who drink Scotch whisky neat say they do not want to spoil the taste by adding water. However, equally as many will say that adding a touch of water, particularly if it is pure, soft spring water, (ideally the same spring water used in the making of the particular whisky!) serves to enhance the distinctive aroma and flavor of a whisky. Tap water may contain high amounts of chlorine and therefore would not complement any whisky - your best bet is to opt for bottled Scottish mineral water! Adding ice to a whisky can provide a refreshing drink but it should be noted that it will dull the fine taste and wonderful aromas. The addition of mixers such as ginger ale, soda and even coca cola, is a popular trend, however it does beg the question - why drink whisky at all if you need to mask the taste? Just a thought Ne’er-Do-Wells.

Firewater Food Flirtation:
Beer goes with everything…Yo

The Booze Elf:
The Booze Elf was up to shenanigans this weekend. While I was not a direct recipient of Booze Elf Phenomena…My buddy was. What started out as a few drinks at a local pizza joint led to an almost 12 hour foray of Beers, Booze, Billiards and BullSh*ting! The clock was strangely absent during this mission of intoxication and continued merriment was the force that kept the thought, ‘Reasonable Hour’ at bay. Remember, dear friends, The Booze Elf has many entrapments in which to ensnare you in his web of anti-sober behavior. Mind the clock, and beware the phrase “Just one more before ya go.”

Ne'er-Do-Well

What are some every day words used to describe a Ne’er-Do-Well? A bum, fainéant, good-for-nothing, idler, loafer, no-good, or slugabed can all be used. How about using Ne’er-Do-Well in a sentence?
“That f*cking Ne’er-Do-Well drank all the booze and pissed in the kitchen sink…AGAIN!”
Not a stunning adjective to be stuck with for the rest of your life…Until now. I believe there is a Ne’er-Do-Well in all of us, a harmless little pixie made up of mirth, mischief and monkey business. Let it be known that from this day forth that all followers of this blog will now be referred to as…wait for it…a, Ne’er-Do-Well! (Merchandise is on the way)