It's HERE! The Drink Lika Fish website is finally up and running!! Joy

Usually a vortex, well… sucks.

Ok, so Miller Lite’s “Vortex” is some new undiscovered style of beer right? Their scientists have been working on a new Hop Hybrid or something? Oh…it’s just a bottle. Soooo…it’s the same taste (Bleh) it just pours trough a spiraled neck that, theoretically, enhances said taste (there’s that word again). Has anyone tried this yet? Can a specially designed neck enhance the flavor of the mighty “Triple Hops Brewed” beer that much as to create such a huge marketing campaign? Here’s a side note, if this beer is triple hopped…the why does it not have a “hoppy” taste. It’s like promoting the pepperoni taste on a vegetarian pizza. Also, why only triple hops? If it enhances the taste so much, why not quadruple the hops? Oh wait, is that next?

Thoughts?

What's in a name?

Unless you drank beer in Colorado, in the 1990s you probably never tasted one of Gordon Knight's beers. If you did, then you'd remember.

Gordon Knight won numerous gold medals at the Great American Beer Festival for three different breweries. Each of the champion beers was very different than the others, but they shared one thing in common- all were made using the same system that followed Gordon from brewery to brewery.

Why did Gordon move around from brewery to brewery so often? Isn't fame, fortune and beer god worship the ultimate goal? Naw. "Gordon likes to make beer; the rest of the stuff he doesn't really care about. The startup is what really turns him on." -Jim Parker, former business partner.

Gordon was born in Nebraska. He earned a Purple Heart as an Army helicopter pilot in Vietnam. He moved to Boulder, CO. in 1988, and soon went from home brewing to professional brewing. He also worked as a helicopter pilot, most often related to fire fighting.

Gordon Knight, at only 52, died heroically after his helicopter crashed while he was fighting a fire near the Rocky Mountain National Park in Colorado. He was dropping water on hot spots in a 4,000-acre blaze. Gordon, radioed in about 6:30 p.m. and calmly reported, "I'm going down," a Forest Service spokeswoman, Ellen Hodges, said.

"Gordon didn't have jobs, Gordon had passions. Gordon's job was his passion and visa versa. That's a good way to live and I thank him for challenging me to do the same. If you knew Gordon Knight, please take a moment to reflect on his life and his family. I will miss him." -fellow brewer, Brian Lutz.

So that's the story behind the naming of Oskar Blue's Gordon Ale. A beer brewed in tribute to a local hero and beer pioneer.


"Here's to a long life and a merry one.
A quick death and an easy one.
A pretty girl and an honest one.
A cold beer-and another one!" -old Irish toast

View my beer review by clicking Here

Pork Slap Pale Ale Review

Hey there Ne’er-Do-Wells! Welcome to the first video version of Drink Lika’ Fish!!! Watch, learn, enjoy…comment.




Click on this LINK to view the video!

Worst.Shots.Ever.

Hot Mexican Hooker: This shot is the worst ever created, and also the second most appropriately named.

1 oz. Jose Cuervo
½ oz. of Tabasco Sauce
One large splash of Tuna Fish Juice

Fill shot with Cuervo and tabasco then fill to the brim with tuna fish juice. Not for the faint of heart. You may want to always keep a can of tuna in your pocket solely to make this shot for your friends.







New Jersey Turnpike: This shot must occur in a bar; preferably at the end of the night at the scummiest one you find.

One Bar Mat
One Bar Rag

Take the bar mat and squeeze into a shot glass. Top with what you can squeeze out of the bar rag. Then go get a hepititus shot. Note, if you sprinkle Parmasean Cheese on this shot, it turns into a whole other shot entitled "Dirty Panties" which is equally gross.











Motor Oil: It's the type of drink that's sure to make you wonder what you just drank and why you did it. It's got a taste of everything, but nothing that should ever be mixed together. Definitely one for your worst enemy.

1 oz. Jagermeisteer Herbal Liqueur
½ oz. Peppermint Schnapps
½ oz. Goldschlager Cinnamon Schnapps
½ oz Malibu Coconut Rum











Flatliner: Beware of ANYTHING with tabasco sauce. Put some hair on your best friends' chests with this one. They'll be burning for hours while you laugh in the corner.

¾ oz. Jigger Sambuca
¾ oz. shot Gold Tequila
3 dashes of Tabasco sauce









Liquid Steak: If you are a meat lover, then this one is for you. It's as close to a dead animal in a shot as you will ever get.

1½ oz. Barcardi 151
Worcestershire Sauce













Four Horsemen: It's definitely a classic, and one to make sure you get pictures of. The ingredients say it all; one shot will have your worst enemy crying for their mom!

¾ oz. Jose Cuervo Gold Tequila
¾ oz. Jagermeister Herbal Liqueur
¾ oz. Rumple Minze Peppermint Liqueur
¾ oz. Bacardi 151 Rum











Gorilla’s Puke: If the name doesn't give it away, I don't know what will. Also known as 152, this drink will surely have you puking at the end of the night.

¾ oz. Bacardi 151
¾ oz. Wild Turkey Bourbon Whiskey










Nasty B*tch::Yes, she's nasty, and so is this drink. Turn a 21st birthday into a really good time with this one.

1½ oz. Tequila
½ oz. Cointreau® Orange Liqueur

Celebrity Booze

1. Caduceus Cellars. Maynard James Keenan, the frontman for Tool and A Perfect Circle, has been making wine since 2004, and has a blog on Wine Spectator’s website. He’s quite the connoisseur, raining disdain on fellow rocker-cum–wine dude Vince Neil (who also makes tequila, see number 6 below): “I would avoid at all costs anything resembling Vince Neil’s wine…,” he told the A.V. Club. “You pour it, and you’re like, ‘Oh, my fucking God—are there pickles in here?’”

2. Trump Vodka. The Donald’s offering promises to be worthy of the Trump name by being “the world’s finest super premium vodka.” Not enough hyperbole? It’s also “quintuple-distilled” and “the epitome of vodka that will demand the same respect and inspire the same awe as the international legacy and brand of Donald Trump himself.” Available in original, citron, raspberry, orange, and grape.

3. Mansinthe. In 2007, Marilyn Manson partnered with the Swiss distillery Matter-Luginbühl AG and absinthe.de founder Markus Lion to launch his own absinthe. The musician has frequently boasted about binging on the liquor, telling MTV that he was “trying to get to that place where you think and behave like a child or a lunatic.” Despite some poor reviews, Mansinthe won a gold medal at the 2008 San Francisco World Spirits Competition, beating out boutique brands such as St. George Spirits.

4. Danny DeVito’s Premium Limoncello. After showing up for a segment on The View seemingly drunk, the enterprising Mr. DeVito came out with his own brand of limoncello. It’s made with organic lemons from Sorrento, Italy, with no artificial colors or flavors. When we sampled it, we found it more sugary than lemony, kind of like commercial lemon curd with booze.

5. Old Whiskey River Bourbon. Willie Nelson’s small-batch, six-year bourbon made in Kentucky comes with a red bandanna–print seal and a signature guitar pick on the bottle. Chowhounds give it lukewarm reviews: joypirate noted that it was “not the best, but very satisfying ... I was skeptical of a ‘celebrity’ bourbon though perhaps Willie transcends such things.” TNbourbon wasn’t impressed: “It’s a year younger than Evan Williams Black Label … costs about three times as much, and is far inferior.”

6. Tres Rios Tequila Silver. This 100 percent agave tequila is labeled “A Vince Neil Selection,” and even sports a breezy photo of the Mötley Crüe frontman enjoying a margarita in his cowboy hat and unbuttoned white shirt (printed on a card tied to the bottle’s neck). CHOW tasters felt it was an acceptable mixer, but called out its vague “plastic bottle” taste and aroma.

7. Little Jonathan Winery. Rapper Lil Jon became winemaker Little Jonathan earlier this year, launching a Monterey Merlot, Central Coast Chardonnay, and Paso Robles Cabernet Sauvignon. The King of Crunk, whose entrée to the liquid refreshment world was Crunk!!! Energy Drink, told the Associated Press that his wine “is not no ghetto Boone’s Farm.”

8. Crstal Head Vodka.Dan Aykroyd sells his spirit far better than I could, so I’ll leave it to him for the fine details.So let’s move on to the vodka itself. Crystal Head is familiar-tasting, 80 proof, and hardly earth-shattering in its composition, but overall very good. There’s an immediate vanilla punch that reminded me of the recently-reviewed 2 Rooz vodka. A bit chalky on the palate, it goes down extremely smoothly, with some sweetness and candy-like flavors on the tongue that immediately make one think of both dessert and ghosts. The finish is clean and crisp. There’s no medicinal flavor here at all. Really impressive.

9. Savanna Samson Sogno Due. Savanna Samson is a porn star. In addition to sex, she sells wine. Her first, an Italian red made by Roberto Cipresso from a blend of Cesanese, Sangiovese, and Montepulciano called Sogno Uno, caused quite a stir when Robert Parker rated it 90 to 91 (outstanding). When CHOW tasted Sogno Due, her white Italian Falanghina (a very old Roman varietal), we were surprised by how summery and light it was. We might even buy it if it were a little cheaper.


10. Dr. Dre Cognac. Straight out of Compton comes “Dr. Dre’s super premium” Cognac, scheduled to be released later this year. There’s also a sparkling vodka in the works, which might mix nicely with Lil Jon’s Crunk!!! Energy Drink for a gangsta cocktail.

Red Eye Review 01

Hey there Ne’er-do-wells, welcome to a Red-Eye Review of Tennent’s Lager and Jeremiah Weed sweet tea.

First up is Jeremiah Weed, this little gem comes in several different flavors: country peach, sweet tea vodka with bourbon whiskey and half & half (a combination of sweet tea vodka and lemonade). I tried the peach and then the sweet tea lemonade…wow, to both. I’m not really a vodka fan, so I almost never drink it strait…if I can avoid it. Surprisingly, the alcohol content is so well hidden in each sip that inebriation sneaks up like a well trained ninja…a Vodka Ninja rather, and intoxication is doled out with uncanny precision…in other words a cool buzz is gained rather quickly. My favorite of the two so far is the half & half and it is a southern must to drink it out of a frosty mason jar with a slice of lemon. I know summer has come and gone, so I’m anxious to try the bourbon infused vodka, this sounds like it could gently warm your cockles as you take a brisk hay ride down to drunk town…make sure to beware the ninjas tho’.

My other treat this weekend was the much touted Tennet’s Lager, this lager is a true blue collar beer enjoyed throughout Scotland and is a favorite among footy fans (Go Rangers!!!). Tennent’s has about a 30 second head after a full pour with a hint of apricot and natural hops brought home with a refreshing crisp finish. If you really want to separate yourself from the heard, order a “Lager Tops”. This is a Tennent’s with a splash of lemonade on top or at the bottom of the glass; this gives it a sweeter finish and scores some style points from the judges.

Tavern Topics 04

Greetings Ne'er-Do-Wells! just to refresh your drink...a Ne’er-Do-Well has been affectionately described as a bum, fainéant, good-for-nothing, idler, loafer, no-good, or slugabed. How about using Ne’er-Do-Well in a sentence?
“That f*cking Ne’er-Do-Well drank all the booze and pissed in the kitchen sink…AGAIN!”
Not a stunning adjective to be stuck with for the rest of your life…Until now. I believe there is a Ne’er-Do-Well in all of us, a harmless little pixie made up of mirth, mischief and monkey business. Let it be known that from this day forth that all followers of this blog will now be referred to as…wait for it…a, Ne’er-Do-Well!

Now, on to Tavern Topics 04!

Hebdomadal Hooch:
Can you feel it, the subtle chill in the air? What does the sound of houses roaring as football season is finally upon us, you reaching for a long sleeve shirt, and falling leaves have in common?...BEER! Yes that’s right; as much as I love my lagers and summertime beers…I love a good IPA, Stout and Ale. My number one pick for a fall beer is Harvest Moon Pumpkin Ale. It's got a good malt aroma and a nice subtle flavor. I was able to pull out notes of caramel, roasted malts, some florals, alcohol, brown sugar, clove, nutmeg, spices and a vegetable smell I presumed to be pumpkin. The initial flavor is lightly sweet. The pumpkin is really done well (meaning it's subtle) and there's enough other things going on that you don't over focus on it - though the other notes are not nearly as discernible in the taste as they were in the smell. I was also surprised to pick up a touch of alcohol in the taste, given its relatively average gravity.

Ethanol Etiquette:
When buying rounds, it is expected that all the men will drink whatever liquor is bought for that round, but women should be consulted as to whether or not they would like to order something else.

Rotgut Reviews:
For those of you that follow my other blog, Slim Chance will find this funny, I decided to get a bottle of Fat Bastard wine…it has a rhino sitting on the top of the label…crushing it subtlety…awesome. I went with the Shiraz/Syrah; it has aromas of blackberries, licorice and vanilla and the tannins are ripe and delicate…try it, you’ll like it.

Firewater Food flirtation:
When we make Chicken Alfredo at our house we add a little white wine into the sauce, just at the end. This adds a certain “zing” to the sauce and really compliments the chickens natural flavor…I won’t tell you what else we put in the recipe, that’s a family secret passed down to me by my aunt who’s locked in the…um, yeah…it’s a family secret.

Booze Elf:
Have i seen him? Yes. Have you seen him? let me know, I love a good 'close encounter of the drunk kind' story :0)

You know your a drunk when...

Your blood could run a lawn mower.

You’ve heckled A.A. meetings.

You can’t say the word sober without making air quotes.

You feel incredibly sexy despite the vomit stain down the front of your shirt.

Gin never gives you a hangover, but martini olives absolutely murder you.

You figure the cab companies are making a fortune off the cell phones, lighters and all that other shit that falls out of your pockets.

You know to put extra ice in your cocktail when you take a hot shower.

Contrary to popular opinion, you don’t drink all the time. You just enjoy having a few civilized night caps, day caps, afternoon caps and morning caps.

After eight drinks your “hugs” bear an uncanny resemblance to UFC take-downs.

You fell into a whiskey vat and bravely fought off your rescuers for three hours.

The first thing you think when you can’t find your wallet is, “Great, now how am I going to buy beer?”

You failed CPR class because your breath set the dummy on fire.

You’re having a little trouble reading this because the bar’s lighting sucks and you’re kinda loaded.

You called the cops on yourself but refused to testify because you “didn’t want to get involved."

Straight to Gay in 3.5 drinks?

Ah yes…what is it about alcohol that after consuming copious amounts; a straight man will proceeded to shamelessly kiss, grope, sing with, fondle and sometimes spoon with another man?

Sometimes referred to as a Three Beer Queer...straight men will spontaneously start singing songs while their arms are wrapped around each other’s shoulders…swaying to and fro to music poorly sung and out of tune in every pub all over the world. It seems like the drunker a man gets…the more he is inclined to commit ‘gay’ acts…as an attempt to prove how ‘NOT gay’ they are’. Often times a drunk guy will reach for or make contact with another man’s ‘cash and prizes’…after this is done the offending drunk will call the recipient of this homosexual drive by a “Fag!”

Another sign of alcoholic affection is typically at a party or bar. Two men, whose livers are swimming at this point, are usually sitting way to close to one another and saying things like “Sherioushly…I f*cking love you man…ya know, not like that or anything, but…like, I love you…fag”. This scenario can and often takes place over the phone and a message pertaining to this situation is usually the stuff of legend. The ending to this little lingual love fest is usually by the wife or girlfriend coming over after staring at you and saying to herself “Why F*ck does he not tell me things like that?”

All in all the, Homoalcoholis, is nothing more than an inebriated male that finds it near impossible to carry on a conversion with a woman about her problems, her friend’s problems, current events, the weather or anything else for that matter…so he decides to take the road of least resistance or the road of least soberness in this case, and kiss another dude while grabbing his ass and taking several very blurry pictures… Sad but true.

(Let it be known that I am not nor have I ever been for the mistreatment or persecution of a person that is homosexual or lives an alternative lifestyle. This is merely an observation, not meant to offend.)

Top Five Drinking Games

5."Flip Cup"

Two teams stand on opposite sides of a table, facing one another. As there are equal players on each side, the players directly facing each other are opponents. In front of each teammate is a Solo cup filled with a standard amount of beer. Generally, the first line inside a Solo cup is used as a marker.

At the start of the race, the first member of each team drinks his or her beverage. When finished, the cup is placed face up at the edge of the table with about one third of the cup overlapping the edge, and the player who drank it attempts to flip the cup until it rests face down on the table. If he or she is not successful on the first try, the cup must be reset and re-flipped. Only after the first teammate is done flipping the cup successfully, can the next person proceed. Whichever team finishes drinking and flipping all its cups first is the winner.


4."Caps"
Ok, this is a fairly strait forward drinking game. All you need is massive amounts of beer and can be played in a group or single. Step one, turn you TV on. Step two, find a channel that is playing re-runs of the TV show “Cops”…Dude, this friggin show is playing 24 hours a day somewhere so it shouldn’t be too hard to find. Once you are watching the show you’re ready to begin:

If the perpetrator or witness to a crime has a mullet: take a drink
If the cop has a mullet: Finish your beer
If it is a chick cop with a mullet: Open a new beer and pound

*If this is a group activity, you can play cop during this game, for instance:
Everyone starts the game as an “Officer”, but if you notice that someone is not drinking when they are supposed to and you catch them in the act, you get a “Bust” or an” Arrest”. The first bust makes you a “Detective” and you can make any Officer drink whenever you choose. Three busts during the course of the game you are now a “Chief”. As a Chief you can have anyone that is not a chief drink whenever you want during the course of the game. Now, if you catch a fellow Chief breaking the drinking law, then the guilty chief is demoted all the way back to “officer” and the arresting officer or detective moves up to chief. If a chief busts another chief then they are promoted to “Commissioner” (There can only be one Commissioner at a time) and only a chief can bust a commissioner. If you are busted three times during the game, then you are fired from the police force and are demoted to “Informant” and must work your way back up. The informant is in charge of supplying everyone else with beer as needed or demanded. The Informant is the bottom of the barrel and even officers can make them drink whenever they want. However, an informant can bust anyone and steel their position. So be careful how you treat your informants!

3."Liar's Dice"
You need a minimum of two players. For each player, you need a dice cup and five dice.
To start the game, players shake their cups with the dice in them, and slam them on the table with the openings downward, so no one can see how the dice fell.
Players can peek at their own dice, but they can't see anybody else's.
After you peek at your dice, based on what you found you can make a call about how many of any number of dice there are on the table. For example, you can say "three 2s," meaning you think that there are three dice on the table that rolled a 2. Your guess includes all the dice belonging to all the players, not just your own dice ... so you're making a guess that includes dice you can't see!
Players can "up the ante" by changing their calls. The calls must be in order to the player on the left. If somebody else makes a higher call than you, you can raise yours, but only if the player that raises it is on the left.
Eventually somebody will make an impossible call (such as saying there are six 6s when there are only eight dice on the table and the other player can see none of his are 6), and somebody will say the caller is a liar. At that point, the dice are revealed.
The highest correct call wins. For example, "four 3s" is worth more than "three 3s," but only if there really are four 3s!
If you call somebody a liar and they weren't wrong, you lose.
Any player who makes a call that is shown to be wrong loses. For example, if you call "five 6s" and there aren't at least five dice that show 6 on the table, you've lost.
If nobody says "You're a liar!" then the highest call wins and the dice don't have to be shown. The losing player has to drink a shot of booze or remove an article of clothing. Note: if you are not attractive enough to strip, then keep drinking until that is no longer a problem to you or anyone else.


2."Spoons"
Take one denomination of card from the deck for each player. Eg. If there are 5 players, take the Aces, Kings, Queens, Jacks, and 10's from the deck. If there are 12 players, use the whole deck.

Get a spoon for every player except one. Eg. if there are 6 players, get 5 spoons. Place the spoons on the table.

Deal out all of the cards. Everyone picks up their cards, and then the dealer starts calling "Pass!". When s/he says pass, each player must take one card from their hand and pass it to the left. The dealer can also say "Pass right" or whatever.

It works best if the dealer calls this every 3-4 seconds, so no one really has a chance to relax with their cards. This continues until someone gets four-of-a-kind, and then that player grabs a spoon and puts down their cards. All the other players then have to grab for a spoon, the loser being the one left out. If two players grab a spoon and neither lets go, the one holding the large end wins.

Loser must drink to pre-defined rules. Suggested rules are drinking for the number of seconds as the denomination of the winning 4-of-a-kind, or else polishing off their whole drink.

1." Beer Pong"!!!!
Beer Pong without paddles (in some regions called Beirut) is a drinking game in which players throw a ping-pong ball across a table with the intent of landing the ball in one of 10 or 6 cups of beer on the other end. The game typically consists of two two-player teams, one on each side of a table, and a number of cups set up on each side set up in triangle formation.[1] There are no official rules, so rules may vary widely, though usually there are six or ten plastic cups arranged in a triangle on each side. The number of players on a team can vary as well, from one to three or more.

When a ball lands in a cup, the defending team must consume all of the beer inside that cup. The cup isn't generally completely filled. It is also common to have a glass of water with the purpose of cleaning the ball between throws. An August 2008 Time article stated that cups were 1/4 to 1/3 full.[2] The game is won by eliminating all the other team's cups before all of one's own cups are eliminated. The losing team must then consume all the beer remaining in the winning team's cups.[1] The order of play varies – both players on one team shoot followed by both players on the other team, or players on opposite teams can alternate back and forth.

Bottle of the Sexes

Wow...what a gender-loaded topic with many varying points. The obvious is that guys tend to weigh more than women, so they typically can drink more before becoming intoxicated. However, most men drink beer which is has a far less alcohol content by volume than that of a women's choice of mix drinks or cosmos. Let us look at alcoholic content by volume of a basic Cosmopolitan: Vodka (which ranges from 40% - 60%) Cointreau which is 40%...Beer on the other hand, normally has 4%-6% alcohol. So are we talking drinking more in terms of number of drinks or alcohol content? Men usually drink more BEER than women. When was the last time you saw a hetro-sexual male drinking an Appletini?...without getting "Sh*t on" by his friends?

Men were raised to enjoy beer. The tradition where the father shares a beer with his son for the first time is a rite of passage...age 12 is perfectly acceptable...right dad? I can’t imagine many mothers that shared a margarita with their daughters before cheerleading practice! Beer can be considered a predominately male choice in beverages then, right?

Not so fast! Beer sales are becoming more popular with women. This is evident by all of the main-stream brewing companies coming out with "lighter" products that reduce the carbohydrate content in beers, which ultimately lessens the calories. However, this also lessens the alcohol by volume as well. So, here we go again. . . . Who drinks more? Younger women, between the ages of 21 and 30 seem to be drinking more beer as to the women in the other age groups. Why? It is a cost-effective way to drink "more" and not get too intoxicated? Or are their lifestyles that much different compared to the older generation? Are women waiting longer to start families just to prolong having more time for fun and frivolities?

Let’s be honest...a guy's social event usually involves drinking...In fact, ANY activity that men do socially will involve drinking as a sport in lieu of the activity at hand. A quiet day of fishing? Don't forget the cooler of beer! Day on the golf course? Where the hell’s the beverage caddie with my beer? I know I am being kind of stereotypical, but so is this topic. All I am saying is, when was the last time you saw a bunch of ladies drinking beers in their yoga class? So, the type of activities that men and women do definitely has an effect on how much they drink. Men tend to do outdoor activities that involve alcohol, women do to but, when women go camping, their backpacks are filled with water...not with alcohol.

After all of this, I still don't have a definitive answer. But, if I had to choose one, then yes, in today's times, men still drink more often than women. I'm just glad prohibition is over! I would like to go enjoy a nice beer with dinner now.

Most of us have done or said things we regret while inebriated. Here are the top ten situations and objects to avoid in preventing future embarrassment.



1. Cell phones

While we all think we have the will power to abstain from drunk dialing, by beer number five if you’re not making actual calls, you’re texting everyone in your phonebook. Delete contacts you’re likely to harass and remember to write down the numbers so you can re-enter them the next day.

2. Your computer

You can prevent embarrassing phone calls but with instant messaging and e-mail, the damage can be done in a matter of seconds and is generally irreversible. So go home, grab a bottle of water and get into bed. Do not pass your desk, do not turn on your computer and do not pass out with embarrassing Pakistani, hardcore, one legged midget porn on your PC…makes it hard to explain later when your significant other finds you.

3. Bouncers

As awesome as you think you are while wasted, security can see right through you. Don’t try to flirt or snob your way into the club. The bouncers will either laugh and send you to the end of the line or deposit you drunk as in a dumpster.

4. Shopping

From time to time a midday lunch with a glass of wine can turn into a boozefest. Unless you were already in the market for a lime green suit with a pink silk tie or can actually afford an LCD TV, stay away from any place that sells anything beyond coffee.

5. Public transit

In no way am I condoning drunk driving but the 24-hour bus, also known as the “vomit comet” isn’t quite as accommodating as a taxi. A cab will pull over when you have to puke...you just need to figure out how to say " pleesh pull th' f*ck over" in Spanish.

6. Dancing

Sure you looked hot at the beginning of the night but now that you have trouble standing upright getting your groove on has become a bit of hazard. Not only are you risking your own wellbeing you’re putting other patrons in danger of the all to often 'Hack trick'...puking while spining and bounce to...your only sence of rhythm and beat.

7. Anyone you work with

If you run into someone from work at the bar you’re in, walk the other way. If they’ve spotted you, make friendly small talk but make it quick. You don’t want to end up ranting about your boss to the office suck-up or end up sucking face with the office hoer.

8. Dressing yourself

Ladies,Do not drink and dress. Choose your ensemble before you start the party. What seems appropriate after a few cocktails may be more suitable for a stip club than a dance club.

9. Cooking

Unless you’d like to contract E Coli and couple your hangover with food poisoning, stay away from the kitchen. A piece of toast or cold leftovers are a much better choice than anything that might be a fire hazard.

10. Sports of any kind

Extreme tobogganing, skateboarding and spelunking may all seem like natural talents you never knew you had but are now sure you possess but in the name of not breaking any limbs, do not attempt anything athletic.

Your cocktail says something about you.

For instance, ordering a martini says you appreciate the finer things in life, ordering a gin and tonic says you appreciate the simple things in life, and ordering a Long Island Ice T says you don't care where your pants end up. But mixed drinks go deeper than that, much deeper. When you mosey up to the bar and place your order, you open a window into your very soul, revealing not only who you are, but also who you long to be. So know your cocktails and order with care, or you might send the wrong message.



Bellini

You have a tab at Olive Garden.



Bloody Mary

They're good if you only drink these for hangovers…If you are drinking them at work instead of coffee…might be a problem there, Alci Holicstien.



Cosmopolitan

You should’t start drinking these until after your first divorce, and don't start really enjoying them until after your second...And yes all bets are off if you are watching re-runs of Sex and the City.



Fuzzy Navel

You’re comfortable with who you are, to bad you’re the only one.



Gimlet

No, this not a Character in Harry Potter...although that dude is now old enough to order one and your to old to know who Harry Potter is.


Green Tea Martini

You believe in earth conscious living, except for that time you drank to many backed over a baby seal with your SUV.



Harvey Wallbanger

You're an old school drinker with...Oh who are you kidding? you just like to find a female bartender and order this drink so you can say 'wallbanger' without a slap or verbal castration.


Jägerbomb

collage was the best six years of your life.



Long Island Iced Tea

No matter how old you are, at some level, you’re still afraid your parents are going to catch you drinking.



Mai Tai

You’re attracted to exotic people and places, but not enough to get a passport.



Manhattan

You’re witty, sophisticated, and not at all jealous that the assholes pounding down Jell-O shots at the other end of the bar are having all the fun.



Margarita

All of your relationships have either begun or ended at a wet t-shirt contest.



Orgasm

You consider yourself too classy to order a Blow Job, but not classy enough to order a Sex on the Beach.



Piña Colada

You’re 50% lady, 50% tramp, and 100% drunk.



Raging Bull

You’re indestructible, and you’re going to prove it as soon as you stop the bleeding...person+velocity+brickwall=best facebook photo ever.


Tequila Slammer

You’re down-to-earth. Usually face-down.


Zombie

No matter what people say, you’re getting along just fine without long-term memory.¸

“What’d you get up to last night?”
“Got wicked drunk.”
“Yeah? Where’d you go?”
“I didn’t go anywhere. I drank at home.”
“You had a party and didn’t invite me? Who showed up?”
“No one. I got drunk by myself.”
“No shit? What’s wrong, man? You wanna talk about it?”

I do wanna talk about it. Not about what my friend wrongly assumed was the dark motivation that would drive me to drink alone, but the very act of drinking alone.

Somewhere along the line people got the idea that solitary boozing is a sure sign that the drinker is about to slip over the edge into something dark and sinister, whether it be suicide, skid row or a wannbe writer for a drinking blog.

And on the surface, it makes sense. Alcohol is the original social lubricant, after all, it makes any gathering loose and friendly, it has the unique and beatific ability to spin laughter and camaraderie from the dry straw that is the strained silence of the sober. Strangers become friends, friends become cliques and cliques become vast drinking scenes. It is the golden bond that connects you with most of your friends and acquaintances. It sure as hell isn’t a collective interest in stamp collecting that holds the gang together.

Drinking alone, on the other hand, is a much more pure and forthright form of imbibing, and I say that because it focuses entirely on the simple act of putting alcohol into your bloodstream. It tosses aside all the half-hearted pretensions about merely using alcohol as a social tool. It gets down to what drinking is all about: getting loaded, and by doing that, getting down to the inner you. The inner joy, the inner madness, the subconscious you, the real you.

Now, there are those who abhor the very idea of spending a moment with themselves. Put them in a quiet room for five minutes and they’re picking up the phone or turning on the TV. “Deep down in his private heart, no man respects himself much,” Mark Twain was fond of saying, and he was dead right. Why should those people want to hang with their inner selves? That entity is, for all intents and purposes, a stranger, and worse, a stranger who knows all their deepest, darkest, most terrible secrets.

Which, ironically enough, is exactly why you have to hang with him, because sooner or later that bastard will turn on you. The longer you keep him locked up by himself, the weirder he’s going to get, and he will eventually manifest himself as a nervous breakdown or very self-destructive behavior.

That’s where your old pal booze comes into play. You already knew the sauce is the supreme moderator, a perfectly charming go-between when dealing with friends and strangers, but did you also know it is as equally adept at opening up internal lines of communication? Whiskey is the key that sets the monkey free, goes the old saw, and that monkey is your Id, your subconscious mind, the inner you. Instead of letting that monkey out in public, where he tends to go berserk (or so they tell you the next morning), set him loose in a calm room. A quiet place bare of predators and prey. Get to know him. You might be surprised. You might even start liking the little bastard.

I just came across Luchador wine online and when I got home and read this story online it made me wish I had a bottle.

"Here's the real story about the origin of Luchador. My longest term employee ( a warehouse manager who has worked for me for ten years, since he was twenty-one), came into my office and said, "My friends and I usually drink beer whenever we watch the Lakers, but now we're drinking wine. Why don't you make a wine for us?" How do you want it? "Big." How much do you want to pay? "About $15.00 bucks." So I made it. Even though it doesn't say it on the label, Luchador is a classic, regional Barossa Shiraz. It's the baby brother of Chris Ringland CR.

For those of you who don't know, a Luchador (think matador, one who fights bulls) is a wrestler in Mexico. I'm not sure what inspired me to put a Luchador on a Barossa Valley Australian Shiraz label, but I did. I love it. The label is designed by a very cool team of designers called Morning Breath, who are well known for their CD design for artists like Stone Roses, Eminem, and Jay-Z. As it says on the label, "This wine will body-slam your tongue."

A Mexican friend of mine took a bottle to a family party of about 200 in East Los Angeles and someone commented, "I've never seen a wine with Hispanic appeal before." I love it when stuff like this happens. Good is good and appeals all over, just like Bitch and the Roogle."

Whether you believe this story or not, the labels themselves are reason enough to buy this wine. Designed by Morning Breath, Luchador has an eye-catching off set print quality that is reminiscent of Hatch Show Print posters and the illustration work of Love and Rockets comic books. There are four unique labels that make this shiraz feel more like a collectors item than an everyday table wine. To top it off, the case itself is an exciting collage of vintage fighting posters and graphic type.

Tavern Topics 03

Ne’er-Do-Wells here is your weekly roundup of Tavern Topics…

Hebdomadal Hooch:
I am so stoked on a couple of beers that I tried over the weekend. I got a case of Full Sail Brewing Company’s, Session Lager . This is an awesome lager brewed with both American and European hops so it has an old world import taste. This brew is not only tasty, but it comes in kick ass ‘stubby’ 11oz bottles that harkens back to the pre-probation era. The other little gem I found this weekend was Magic Hat Brewing Company, I bought their spring variety pack. The beer I fell in love with out of that pack was the Odd Notion Spring Pilsner, Dude this is a super trippy mix of organic agave and get this…blue poppy seeds! One of my favorite brews to date!

Ethanol Etiquette:
What is a Party Foul? Not to be confused with a Party Fowl, which is a bird that can hold its liquor exceptionally well for an animal; usually a duck or pheasant. A Party Foul rather, is a situation that usually consists of dropping and or breaking something. Beer bottles, red wine on white carpet, and puking on someone’s shoes are prime examples. When this happens the appropriate thing to do is point and yell out at the top of your lungs “PARTY FOUL, YO!” Note: the “Yo” suffix is purely optional…but is a nice touch if delivered in a non-douche bag way…Further Note: “Yo” is no longer able to be uttered in a non-douche bag way, Yo. There are three participants involved in a Party Foul. The Defendant, You the perpetrator of said foul. Number one plea uttered by the defendant is “My bad,Yo”. The second person(s) that are involved in a Party Foul is the Plaintiff , the person that was directly or indirectly the recipient of a Party Foul. Beer spilled on you, is a direct violation. Beer spilled on your Jon Favreau autographed Iron Man poster is an indirect violation, to which the Plaintiff usually shouts “Dude!” as their preferred accusatory reprimand. Finally we have you, the Jury. The Jurist’s sole job is not to offer sympathy to the defendant, but rather be the first to bring to light the defendant’s misfortune and drunkenly record the hilarity on your iphone…immediately posting this blurry, shaky video on YouTube is definitely warranted if the foul is considered epic enough.

Rotgut Reviews:
I had several glasses of single malt, Arran Scotch Whisky . I choose to drink it neat and out of a shot glass at room temperature. It should be noted that there is no “right” or “wrong” way to drink Scotch whisky – it is very much down to a question of personal taste. However, let me offer a few basic suggestions. Many who drink Scotch whisky neat say they do not want to spoil the taste by adding water. However, equally as many will say that adding a touch of water, particularly if it is pure, soft spring water, (ideally the same spring water used in the making of the particular whisky!) serves to enhance the distinctive aroma and flavor of a whisky. Tap water may contain high amounts of chlorine and therefore would not complement any whisky - your best bet is to opt for bottled Scottish mineral water! Adding ice to a whisky can provide a refreshing drink but it should be noted that it will dull the fine taste and wonderful aromas. The addition of mixers such as ginger ale, soda and even coca cola, is a popular trend, however it does beg the question - why drink whisky at all if you need to mask the taste? Just a thought Ne’er-Do-Wells.

Firewater Food Flirtation:
Beer goes with everything…Yo

The Booze Elf:
The Booze Elf was up to shenanigans this weekend. While I was not a direct recipient of Booze Elf Phenomena…My buddy was. What started out as a few drinks at a local pizza joint led to an almost 12 hour foray of Beers, Booze, Billiards and BullSh*ting! The clock was strangely absent during this mission of intoxication and continued merriment was the force that kept the thought, ‘Reasonable Hour’ at bay. Remember, dear friends, The Booze Elf has many entrapments in which to ensnare you in his web of anti-sober behavior. Mind the clock, and beware the phrase “Just one more before ya go.”

Ne'er-Do-Well

What are some every day words used to describe a Ne’er-Do-Well? A bum, fainéant, good-for-nothing, idler, loafer, no-good, or slugabed can all be used. How about using Ne’er-Do-Well in a sentence?
“That f*cking Ne’er-Do-Well drank all the booze and pissed in the kitchen sink…AGAIN!”
Not a stunning adjective to be stuck with for the rest of your life…Until now. I believe there is a Ne’er-Do-Well in all of us, a harmless little pixie made up of mirth, mischief and monkey business. Let it be known that from this day forth that all followers of this blog will now be referred to as…wait for it…a, Ne’er-Do-Well! (Merchandise is on the way)

Bar Nuts 05

Bar Nuts 04