Wednesday, January 28, 2009
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
What to put in your bar...
My cousin asked me this question last night, so here is my attempt to answer his query whilst undoubtedly butchering the written English language.
In order to properly answer this question you have to start with what kinda of bar do you want/have. Is it more of a liquor cabinet, or full on designated area? Are you going to be the one enjoying it the most? That is to say that you entertain rarely and you are the primary patron of your private pub? What you have in your bar depends on these certain distinctions.
The Personal Bar: This is your private stockpile of alcohol and assorted spirits, and as such you have a certain amount of freedom from Liquor Snobs and Hooch-Mooches. A Liquor Snob is that guy/girl that is never happy with what you offer them or what your selection might be. If you offer them a beer they only want some imported brew from the outer reaches of a space; that gets delivered via transporter beam every other leap year to random locations on earth and sometimes in anal cavities of wild Buffalo…Don’t get me started on vodka, whiskey or wine with these people either. Next up is the Hooch- Mooch; these people are at the opposite of the spectrum as far as alcohol consumption goes. They would drink milk from a drunken goat teat and try to tell you it tastes like a white Russian. They never bring shit with but they always leave shit faced. A Hooch-Mooch will drain your bar quicker than light beer turns to piss.
Now Your Personal Bar should have the alcohol that you like, not what is trendy or popular at that particular time. Beer is a must have, and I think you should have several different kinds on hand in order for your pallet to not become complacent. Lagers like Corona and Land shark are perfect for hot days or drinking in mass quantities. Heavier Beers like Acme Pale Ale and Dog fish Head are perfect for throwing your taste buds a tasty treat. Dark Beers like Abita Turbodog and Guinness are great during winter and when getting drunk is a slow ride not a race. Make sure you also check your area for local breweries; they often are off the beaten path but are usually worth the trek. I like whiskey so a steady supply of Jameson and ol’ Jack Daniels (in case of emergence pour in glass) is key for me. Vodka is great to have on hand because is a strong smooth shot and plays nicely with other mixes, Kettle One is my choice. Tequila is a tough one, if you like it, then spend the money on good tequila…not Joe Q. Find one that you have never heard of above a $40-50 dollar price range and you should be golden. I also have a taste for Sake, like vodka, it is an amazing shot and great to sip on…try Daishichi Kimoto. Ultimately for building your personal Bar, You have to just do the old fashion buy and try, Or become a Hooch-Mooch for awhile and try everything for free.
The Social Bar: This is a bar that gets a lot of use by friends, family, you, your significant, your roommate…your roommate’s walk of shame dates…Your roommate trying to get with your significant other… pretty much everyone and any scenario. First and only rule: Stock up on cheap booze…hide the good stuff. A couple of well spent bills can get you Rum, Gin, Tequila, Bailey's, Jagermeister, Bourbon, Southern Comfort, Grand Marnier, various Schnapps (sour apple pucker, butterscotch, peppermint, etc. ) Sweet & Dry Vermouth, Whisky, a few reds, a few whites, a blush, a port, sparkling wine add champagne, beer and a bottle of Tylenol for the road. Mix in some music, laughter at someone’s expense and ya got yourself a party chief!
In order to properly answer this question you have to start with what kinda of bar do you want/have. Is it more of a liquor cabinet, or full on designated area? Are you going to be the one enjoying it the most? That is to say that you entertain rarely and you are the primary patron of your private pub? What you have in your bar depends on these certain distinctions.
The Personal Bar: This is your private stockpile of alcohol and assorted spirits, and as such you have a certain amount of freedom from Liquor Snobs and Hooch-Mooches. A Liquor Snob is that guy/girl that is never happy with what you offer them or what your selection might be. If you offer them a beer they only want some imported brew from the outer reaches of a space; that gets delivered via transporter beam every other leap year to random locations on earth and sometimes in anal cavities of wild Buffalo…Don’t get me started on vodka, whiskey or wine with these people either. Next up is the Hooch- Mooch; these people are at the opposite of the spectrum as far as alcohol consumption goes. They would drink milk from a drunken goat teat and try to tell you it tastes like a white Russian. They never bring shit with but they always leave shit faced. A Hooch-Mooch will drain your bar quicker than light beer turns to piss.
Now Your Personal Bar should have the alcohol that you like, not what is trendy or popular at that particular time. Beer is a must have, and I think you should have several different kinds on hand in order for your pallet to not become complacent. Lagers like Corona and Land shark are perfect for hot days or drinking in mass quantities. Heavier Beers like Acme Pale Ale and Dog fish Head are perfect for throwing your taste buds a tasty treat. Dark Beers like Abita Turbodog and Guinness are great during winter and when getting drunk is a slow ride not a race. Make sure you also check your area for local breweries; they often are off the beaten path but are usually worth the trek. I like whiskey so a steady supply of Jameson and ol’ Jack Daniels (in case of emergence pour in glass) is key for me. Vodka is great to have on hand because is a strong smooth shot and plays nicely with other mixes, Kettle One is my choice. Tequila is a tough one, if you like it, then spend the money on good tequila…not Joe Q. Find one that you have never heard of above a $40-50 dollar price range and you should be golden. I also have a taste for Sake, like vodka, it is an amazing shot and great to sip on…try Daishichi Kimoto. Ultimately for building your personal Bar, You have to just do the old fashion buy and try, Or become a Hooch-Mooch for awhile and try everything for free.
The Social Bar: This is a bar that gets a lot of use by friends, family, you, your significant, your roommate…your roommate’s walk of shame dates…Your roommate trying to get with your significant other… pretty much everyone and any scenario. First and only rule: Stock up on cheap booze…hide the good stuff. A couple of well spent bills can get you Rum, Gin, Tequila, Bailey's, Jagermeister, Bourbon, Southern Comfort, Grand Marnier, various Schnapps (sour apple pucker, butterscotch, peppermint, etc. ) Sweet & Dry Vermouth, Whisky, a few reds, a few whites, a blush, a port, sparkling wine add champagne, beer and a bottle of Tylenol for the road. Mix in some music, laughter at someone’s expense and ya got yourself a party chief!
Monday, January 26, 2009
Wow what a weekend…for those of you that were the recipient of an errant drunk dial I apologize, I’m sure at the time I felt the called need to be made, regardless of the hour at which it was done (hehe) ...So let’s do a rundown of some Tavern Topics shall we?
Hebdomadal Hooch:
The beer of choice for this weekend was Yuengling (pronounced Ying-Ling) it is America’s oldest brewery. The Lager and the Blank and Tan were my weapons of choice this time. The price of a ‘twelver’ is equivalent to Miller light or Coors light but has the taste and finish of a higher pedigree brew. I am not besmirching those other beers mind you; I grew up wandering the halls of San Diego State University with duffel bags filled with Coors Light and a thirst for adventure!
Ethanol Etiquette:
When out at a bar and you do not have a server to bring you drinks, here is what you can do... bartenders will serve women first. No doubt about it, even if it is a women bartender. Guy bartenders do it because, well we all know why, and female bartenders do it because for the most part they are not being ‘hit on’ during the ordering process…chick bartenders just want the money, they do not want to go home with a customer…so all they want is to pour drinks and make money. If you are a guy at a bar and have a female friend/girlfriend/wife whatever, bring her up with you and she can get the bartenders attention faster. If you are by yourself, find a group of ladies at the bar a position yourself behind the chick that is paying...*warning* when a group of women are out together this can mean several things:
1. Bachelorette Party sounds good but that is a no-go. The chicks came together and they will leave together. Even though you and “Jill” hit it off, get the number and try again another day.
2. it’s one of the girls birthday parties…see rule one.
3. Its “Girls Night Out”…this will be all flirt and no dessert. Girl’s night is for girls that are in current relationships that want to hang with other girls in current relationships for the sole purpose of complaining about how much their current relationship sucks. They also compare you to the other dudes…be careful there lads, this can go either way…for results see rule one.
Now that we have addressed some potential pitfalls, here is the solution…if you find that you are getting the “why is he standing behind us?” vibe…lean in and ask if you can order some drinks for your sister…”it’s her 21st birthday and I wanted to take her out and make sure she got home safe”…they will Immediately change their opinion of you and part like the red sea while making a AHhhhhHHHhh sound as you walk through. Order the drinks captain, your golden at this point.
Rotgut Reviews:
At the end of one of my nights this past weekend I got into and bottle of red wine…mind you I shouldn’t have done this…there was no need to further my decent into oblivion, but when in Rome…anyway the wine I choose was France Coppola "Diamond Collection" Gold Label a…”Coastal tropical fruit with light vanilla spice, pear and pineapple aromas. Creamy and toasty”…At least I think I drank that one, I know it was a Coppola; it was all a little hazing near the end.
Firewater Food Flirtation :
I ate old school pretzels with my drinks…I’ll have more next time.
The Booze Elf :
What is or who is the Booze Elf… The Booze Elf first and foremost is a rat bastard…he or she (this ‘Elf can change its gender apparently) leaves the refrigerator door open after you swore you shut it and stumbled off to bed. The Booze Elf has also been known to leave doors unlocked, lights on, render the aspirin bottle inoperable…or hiding the aspirin bottle outright, making you a late night snack while you are consumed with ‘drunk hunger’ and then leaving all the contents out on the counter for your wife to find in the next day kicking off an already tumultuous morning with a ‘intense discussion’ pared with your pounding headache…he sucks, ladies and gentleman, beware the Booze Elf. (Booze Elf; was created from the mind of David Vincent Paige, friend and fellow recipient of Booze Elf Phenomena)
Hebdomadal Hooch:
The beer of choice for this weekend was Yuengling (pronounced Ying-Ling) it is America’s oldest brewery. The Lager and the Blank and Tan were my weapons of choice this time. The price of a ‘twelver’ is equivalent to Miller light or Coors light but has the taste and finish of a higher pedigree brew. I am not besmirching those other beers mind you; I grew up wandering the halls of San Diego State University with duffel bags filled with Coors Light and a thirst for adventure!
Ethanol Etiquette:
When out at a bar and you do not have a server to bring you drinks, here is what you can do... bartenders will serve women first. No doubt about it, even if it is a women bartender. Guy bartenders do it because, well we all know why, and female bartenders do it because for the most part they are not being ‘hit on’ during the ordering process…chick bartenders just want the money, they do not want to go home with a customer…so all they want is to pour drinks and make money. If you are a guy at a bar and have a female friend/girlfriend/wife whatever, bring her up with you and she can get the bartenders attention faster. If you are by yourself, find a group of ladies at the bar a position yourself behind the chick that is paying...*warning* when a group of women are out together this can mean several things:
1. Bachelorette Party sounds good but that is a no-go. The chicks came together and they will leave together. Even though you and “Jill” hit it off, get the number and try again another day.
2. it’s one of the girls birthday parties…see rule one.
3. Its “Girls Night Out”…this will be all flirt and no dessert. Girl’s night is for girls that are in current relationships that want to hang with other girls in current relationships for the sole purpose of complaining about how much their current relationship sucks. They also compare you to the other dudes…be careful there lads, this can go either way…for results see rule one.
Now that we have addressed some potential pitfalls, here is the solution…if you find that you are getting the “why is he standing behind us?” vibe…lean in and ask if you can order some drinks for your sister…”it’s her 21st birthday and I wanted to take her out and make sure she got home safe”…they will Immediately change their opinion of you and part like the red sea while making a AHhhhhHHHhh sound as you walk through. Order the drinks captain, your golden at this point.
Rotgut Reviews:
At the end of one of my nights this past weekend I got into and bottle of red wine…mind you I shouldn’t have done this…there was no need to further my decent into oblivion, but when in Rome…anyway the wine I choose was France Coppola "Diamond Collection" Gold Label a…”Coastal tropical fruit with light vanilla spice, pear and pineapple aromas. Creamy and toasty”…At least I think I drank that one, I know it was a Coppola; it was all a little hazing near the end.
Firewater Food Flirtation :
I ate old school pretzels with my drinks…I’ll have more next time.
The Booze Elf :
What is or who is the Booze Elf… The Booze Elf first and foremost is a rat bastard…he or she (this ‘Elf can change its gender apparently) leaves the refrigerator door open after you swore you shut it and stumbled off to bed. The Booze Elf has also been known to leave doors unlocked, lights on, render the aspirin bottle inoperable…or hiding the aspirin bottle outright, making you a late night snack while you are consumed with ‘drunk hunger’ and then leaving all the contents out on the counter for your wife to find in the next day kicking off an already tumultuous morning with a ‘intense discussion’ pared with your pounding headache…he sucks, ladies and gentleman, beware the Booze Elf. (Booze Elf; was created from the mind of David Vincent Paige, friend and fellow recipient of Booze Elf Phenomena)
Friday, January 23, 2009
For Gusto...
So here it is my Beer Blog… my Whisky Business… my Alcoholic Anecdotes…This is
Drink Like a’ Fish. Here I’ll give you things like...
For now I leave you with this word definition via: www.urbandictionary.com
Alkaholik
1) A.K.A Alcoholic (For all you people who like spelling korrektlee) A term used for someone who enjoys, or just does it for no reason, drinking alcohol.
Drink Like a’ Fish. Here I’ll give you things like...
- Hebdomadal Hootch
- Ethanol Etiquette
- Rotgut Reviews
- Firewater Food Flirtation
- and the latest shenanigans of the bothersome Booze Elf!
For now I leave you with this word definition via: www.urbandictionary.com
Alkaholik
1) A.K.A Alcoholic (For all you people who like spelling korrektlee) A term used for someone who enjoys, or just does it for no reason, drinking alcohol.
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